Learning to Love Yourself

Love is often sought in someone else and worshipped romantically as a means to a happy ending. We read about fairy tale weddings on the pages of national magazines and as it becomes headline news we follow along chronicling famous couples falling in and out of love. Watching as romantic love turns to heartache and when friendships fade we wonder what happened, ruminating on the events that took place. Sadly even in chaotic relationships blaming the other for the wrong doing comes easy but looking at our own contribution to the relationship for many, myself included, is harder and unless reflective time is given to explore what we learned we repeat the same mistakes. Mainstream society shares advice, knowledge and openly discusses the kind of love between ourselves and others with articles, talk shows and self-help books on how to resolve issues with others, but what about the loving relationship with ourselves?

We each have our own stories of love and heartache and can discuss for hours, both healthy and unhealthy relationships. What acts contributed to the feelings of love and the reasons for falling out of love. We know in our relationships with others the healthy ones contribute to a sense of well being, bring joyful moments, passion and foster a true sense of deep belonging. The friend who celebrates every birthday with you or can recite to you your individual strengths without a second thought, the romantic partner that makes you feel wanted and beautiful, the teacher who believes in you when now one else does and encouraged you to dream big. Then there are the unhealthy relationships that break our hearts with dishonesty, hurtful behaviors and words. The significant other who was dishonest or unfaithful or the family member who is loving and loved but passive aggressive and belittling or the friend who always tries to fix you, making you feel as though you were never quite good enough. We’ve all had negative experiences with love. In searching for love and learning about love have we learned about how we want to be loved? Do we know what makes us feel loved and have we learned how to forgive ourselves? Recognizing within us that all human beings have what can be called the good, the bad and the ugly do we recognize those sides to ourselves and with that knowledge do we still love ourselves with an open and kind heart? That for me is the pathway forward to true self love and essentially the groundwork for loving others.

What do you love about yourself and how do you take care of you? Exploring healthy habits and living life according to our values contributes to a positive sense of self worth and creates a healthy life style. Seems incredibly simple we all want to live and be healthy but a part of being healthy is exploring the bad and the down right ugly side of ourselves as well. The behaviors, actions and communications that have been harmful to ourselves or others and of those what do we need to forgive within ourselves and what patterns and behaviors do we need to change. When those explorative questions were put to me in therapy it was shocking to realize I’d honestly not shared my inner thoughts with others, those were deep secrets I barely wanted to explore myself. Shame is the word that comes to mind now as I reflect on my journey. It was hard for me to openly discuss my inner most self and the darker side of my thoughts, feelings and actions. It was new territory and new feels incredibly uncomfortable, awkward and scary.

Being able to share feelings in healthy ways is a learned behavior. The thought of being in a relationship with myself and self love was foreign to me largely because during my formative years my family were all hard working people living to support us financially and making a living was hard, they worked long hours and in hindsight emotional exhaustion probably contributed to many of the issues, rarely were emotions discussed, they were often in survival mode barely ever reaching Maslow’s third or fourth tier much less the highest hierarchy of self-actualization. College had given me what my family did not, the tools and desire for knowledge, both intellectually and personally. Being a philosophy major I’d studied Buddhism, Women and Spirituality, and Existentialism but there was no college courses in self-love.

The exploration of self love began when I sought a therapist for couples counseling in dealing with a long term relationship that wasn’t working. When the other half stopped attending because they felt I was the person that needed to do the work my therapist kindly shared ‘A person unwilling to do the work in a relationship simply isn’t going to change, can I help you learn how to navigate that?’, and with that lens of learning to deal with others I continued. It turned into a four year therapeutic relationship where I worked on my relationships, all between myself and others, beginning the journey of forgiving myself and acknowledging what my contributions were in those interactions. I remembered more of who I was as a young girl, open and kind, joyful and loving. I opened up to allowing myself to be more loving and kind, leading to having healthy relationships with others without sacrificing my values and personal boundaries. Those four years in therapy helped me lay the foundation for a willingness to be open and lean into vulnerability as Brene Brown writes and so often suggests in her work. My therapist retired one year into the pandemic, the loss of life and devastating tragedies around her were too much to bare so she close her practice. I was sad to loose her and grateful to have had her with me for those years, she’d given me many gifts of wisdom and kindness over the years assuring me that I was worthy of love. My life on the outside was working well but there was still something missing. A small but deep sense of unrest and dissatisfaction even though I was in a career I loved, was in a social circle of friends that loved and accepted me there was still something in my life that needed to change.

The second time the exploration of self love came back around I found myself in three coaching courses; intentional communications, life design and the integrated nutrition health coaching program, all had components of self-love and acceptance. What do you love most about yourself? What inspires awe in you? What brings you joy, laughter and ease? What are your values and are you living a life according to your values? Learning how to be one’s own best friend was to put myself first and not in a selfish or self-centered way but truly learn how to be a loving and kind friend to myself. In that year I learned not only about the love I give to myself, the love that is amazing, beautiful and kind but I learned how to nurture it, foster positive self thoughts and truly be my own best friend. I also learned how to release the repeated reminiscing that contributes to negativity and shift patterns of self-criticism, turning heartbreaking moments into memories that are truly in my past, the past is not who I am today or a contributing factor to my future.

Loving oneself isn’t egotistical or self centered it’s about being the most loving and kind person to ourselves and then spreading that ripple forward and outward. Living life aligned with our values, daily acts of self-care, good nutrition, physical activity, celebrating the daily wins and reflecting honestly and with a sense of personal integrity what needs to improve for both those we love and interact with and our own self to flourish. What is helpful, kind and necessary in communicating with myself and others. I’ve moved beyond simply forgiving and trying to let go to a deeper learning about the embarrassing or hurtful moments, exploring contributing factors and knowing my individual contribution to the relationship is essential. Knowing the good, bad and the ugly is important and reflection offers us a chance to change what isn’t working so when similar circumstances arise again, which they will, we get a chance at a cosmic redo to reduce suffering in ourselves and others. We can’t erase a moment from existence as if it never happened but we can learn to forgive, accept the facts and when thoughts arise learn to let go with compassion. I’ve learned for all the joy and heartache I want to be present for myself and others, and be the best person I can be today, in this moment. I am my own supportive friend, partner and teacher and others within my arena will support me with likeminded love and kindness.

My life is full of beauty and the love I share is echoed within myself body, heart and soul.

I will continue to eat a healthy diet, exercise, spend time with friends, and as much as possible find a healthy work and life balance. I’ve found inner love and a sense of peace with meditate, reciting mantras of self-love, practicing daily gratitudes and when necessary using written reflective practices. Whenever possible when seeing my reflection while looking in the mirror or walking by a window or when a critical thoughts occur I will continue to practice acts of love and kindness toward myself, “Denise you are beautiful amazing and worthy, I love you!”, using a rendition of the statement best suited to the moment, or the events surrounding the moment. Learning to love yourself comes from knowing that the place where true love lives and grows is within yourself first.

Go ahead and try it, learn about the practices above and how to create your own happiness. The ripple you create will send love inward and then return the love outward for all to see how truly amazing you are.

#Lovegiveslove. #youareworthit #belove #bodyheartsoul